Losing motivation to work

My liquid networth is sufficient to last me around 15 years at my current annual spend. I'm not FI yet but the thought of working a few more years to reach FI is nauseating. I'm rapidly losing motivation to work, and it's taking a toll on my mental (thoughts about work and pulling the trigger giving me insomnia) and physical health (been suffering from nausea and stomach cramps of late and I think it's due to stress). 

I feel like such an ungrateful complainy pants and cannot share these thoughts with anyone because my job is more than decent: pays rather well (not a top earner by any means but definitely above median), lowish work load and great work life balance. However, just showing up (8-5 and WFH now) makes me stressed. 

I took leave yesterday and today. While on leave, all my stress just melted away and it was/is so blissful just puttering about - walking to nearby markets/malls for meals, shopping for household items, cleaning, exercising, watching anime and weird YouTube videos, cooking, etc. Literally my perfect life <3

However, the thought of returning to work next Monday triggers nausea and stress. I really hate how I'm so mentally weak and have such low tolerance for stress. Other people can work their entire lives and raise a freaking village while at that, but I can't even seem to push myself to continue to work this "cushy" job until my mid-30s to reach FI for myself.

I wish I was mentally stronger.

Past the halfway mark to 1M

Updated my spreadsheets yesterday and discovered that my cash and investments have past the halfway mark to 1M. The upcoming goal is to reach BHS and FRS by age 31. 

In the meantime, I'm still contemplating if I should quit my job. But then, I am 95% sure I will spend my unemployed days working out (more), watching (more) anime and going down (deeper) the YouTube rabbit hole of weird videos. I'm trying hard not to judge myself but why am I so intrinsically unproductive?

Underachieving my whole life

 It has bugged me since time immemorial - my predisposition to underachieve. Since young, I never put in 100% effort into anything - be it into my studies, sports or work. I always did just enough, to the point where marginal effort = marginal utility. I mean, why put in that extra work for just a little bit more benefit? Plus, I don't even desire the pride or recognition that comes with excellence. It just seems like so much trouble. I rather do enough not to stay out of trouble and just chill. I'm always looking for the easy way out so that I can have free time to relax. 

People (parents, partner, friends) always tell me... you can achieve so much more with your potential. Well, that potential means nothing if I don't put in the corresponding effort. 

How did I come to develop such a predisposition to underachieve? Is it because I'm lazy? Is it because I don't desire excellence? Is it because winning means little to me? Is it because I'm scared of hard work? Is it because I am naturally predisposed to idling? 

But there are virtues of hard work!! I know because my partner is the ambassador for hard work. He says, even if not for excellence/pride/ego/material benefits, there are other virtues of hard work: To work hard means to stretch your limit for hard work (use it or lose it) such that you develop resilience which can come in handy during trying times. To work hard means that you open yourself to the "flow" experience of hard work. To work hard means to open your world to more opportunities and serendipity, which can bring new experiences and flavours to one's life. To work hard means to....?????

Are there more convincing arguments for hard work?

How do I change my predisposition to "working hard"? I want to "want to work hard", if this makes sense. 

2021 Direction

Here are my plans for 2021: 

Physical Fitness: Be active whenever possible, and complete at least 5 workouts per week

Spirituality: Commit to a yoga and meditation practice once a week 

Finances: Reach half a million dollars in liquid networth (if all goes well, I should hit this goal by March/April)

Investments: Invest at least 50k this year

Employment: Think of either finding joy in my work or cutting the cord (after meeting financial and sabbatical goals)

Sabbatical: Start a sabbatical fund

Bonus goal: Reach ideal weight of 53kg (just cannot seem to lose the pesky 2-3kg since time immemorial)

2020 - A year in review

2020 has been a wild ride but I'm proud to say that I exited the year a better person. I hit most of my goals. 

Physical Fitness: I'm most proud of my physical fitness goal where I crushed at least 5-6 workouts per week the entire year. Apart from the health benefits, me hitting my physical fitness goal is a confirmation of my discipline. 

Spirituality: In the midst of renovating and moving into a new house this year, I have neglected my spirituality pursuits. Did not do much yoga and meditation. 

Finances: The plan was to increase my liquid networth by 60k. However, given the spooky market run up and lower expenditure due to the pandemic, my liquid networth increased by 80k. 

Employment: Well, my only job goal for 2020 was to stay employed for the year. I did. 

Others: Well, I'm now a new homeowner. I never thought I would enjoy having my own space so much but I do. I wake up to a city view everyday and I feel so incredibly blessed. This house is everything I ever wanted - central region; a stone's throw away to the train station, bus stops and amenities; within budget; unblocked city view. It could be 100-200 sqf bigger but with thoughtful interior design, I think we did a great job maximizing space.

Pulling the cord in 2021?

When I was younger, wilder and more foolish, the plan (let's call it plan 1.0) was to amass 300k in cash and investments by age 30 and then quit work. Full stop. Like that was the extent of the "grand plan" - no more, no less. Quit work to do what? For how long? Why the arbitrary age 30? Surely 300k cannot be enough for the rest of my life. Anyway, those thoughts did not come to mind then and I started working with a single-minded pursuit of the plan. Somehow, I kind of blasted past 300k before age 30, and the goal post shifted further - the new plan (plan 2.0) was to amass 500k in cash and investments and then quit work. Quit work to do what? For how long? I still cannot answer these questions definitively but at least compared to when I first hatched plan 1.0, I have some idea this time. 

Well, I want to decompress for 1 year and reorientate my life without the pressures and influence of full time employment.

My current job is actually quite the gravy train so far - relatively high paying, not very stressful and I have a very good work life balance. But something is and has been gnawing at my soul - I feel like a mindless drone at work, clocking in day in and day out, biding my time as I collect my the pay checks. Surely, there has to be more to life. And that is what I want to discover. Since young, I've never felt "self-directed". And in my home country, it is very difficult to be self directed when the country's systems and culture are all about "fitting in". The price to pay for not fitting in is very high. But while I'm a beneficiary of the local systems (at least so far), I don't feel that I belong and I don't aspire to succeed in its classic sense. I admire those who are self directed, who are blind to or indifferent towards the invisible (but oh so very present) barriers of our nation's mentally-exhausting narrative of exceptionalism, "little room for error" systems and repressive culture, and who can thrive outside the system. 

Over the years, I've done (I think too good) a job at shrugging off exceptionalism and disconnecting my identity and self-worth from my job. And even though I'm in one of the (more recognised) professions, while I don't hate it, I don't feel any instrinsic joy, pride or ego. I don't talk about my work and don't think much of it. 

Everyday, I'm fantasizing about jumping off the gravy train and pressing the blinking "Life Reset" button. 

What will it take for me to pull the cord? If all goes well, I will have amassed 500k in cash and investments in a couple of months. Will I fulfil plan 2.0 or shift the goal post further? 

Will 2021 be the year in which I finally pull the cord and live out this silly heart's desires?

My ideal life

I've been daydreaming about quitting work since I started working. Well, it has been close to 7 years since I started working, and the feelings still persist.

I've saved some monies and have to date amassed around 13-14x my annual expenses in cash and investments (excluding retirement accounts and insurances). It's not enough to fully quit work and "retire", but if I grind until I have enough retirement monies, more of this precious life would have passed me by. I suppose I could quit work for a bit and then go back to work again. However, the fear is that I enjoy idling so much that I would not want to go back to work. I am likely to also be unemployable after an extended period of "slacking off". 

Well, what do I want to do after I quit work? Good question. Million dollar question. 

I honestly don't have a grand plan to take over the world. I literally just want to chill. Believe it or not, I am superb at puttering about. My ideal day: I would like to peek out at the sun when its rays kisses my face, close my eyes again and bask under the triple bliss of warm sunshine, cool air from the AC and tencel sheets for an unknown period of time until I'm ready to wake up and start my day. Then I would wash up, commit a couple of minutes to my skincare routine and then proceed to either prepare a mean breakfast or walk to the market to get breakfast. Breakfast would be a leisurely, tea sipping affair. By the time I'm done with breakfast, it would be around 10am or so, and then I would be on my computer or do some housework. I may or may not go out in the afternoon to run some errands or meet up with friends. I would either cook or buy lunch. If I do cook lunch, I would prepare an extra share for my partner or to be kept as leftovers for the next day's meal. In the afternoon, I would do some journalling,  putter about the internet and/or indulge in any newfound hobby. I may or may not take an afternoon nap on my beanbag. I would also research on new recipes (I enjoy exploring new recipes) and then reserve around 45 minutes for my daily workout. By the time I'm done, it would be around 5-6pm. Then it's time to clean up the exercise area, shower and prepare dinner. Partner comes home, we have dinner and chat about our day (sometimes over a bottle of wine), do the dishes together, and then it's time to Netflix/game and chill the evening away.

I live like this when I'm on leave from work, and I just love this kind of life. To me, it's so easy, peaceful and graceful. 

How much do I need to feel financially secure enough to retire to this kind of life? For now I'm thinking around 25-30x my annual expenses in cash and investments, maxed-out retirement accounts and a paid off house. Unfortunately, I'm only halfway there.